eSpecially Ben

  "Parenting an Adult Child with Disabilities" is a series on eSpeciallyBen. As Ben approached 18, it was clear our role changed as parents. We needed to help Ben transition into adulthood. These stories are meant to assist other families who face, or will face, some of the same challenges. Talking About the Future Guest Post - Matt Wilson Legal Guardianship, Medicaid and SSI Researching Group Homes Questions to Ask at a Group Home Visit Referral Packet for Group Homes Getting Assistance from a Care Manager From Group Home Placement to Discharge Reaching for Independence

This was first published in 2013 and unfortunately, we're having some of the same behaviors again. Ben's been waking at 2 a.m., not knowing exactly what he wants and where he wants to be. On some of the worst nights, he moves from his bed to the couch to the refrigerator, then to his favorite armchair and back to his bed again.  This takes at least an hour and I am following behind him as he makes his way. It would be unsafe to leave him to his own devices in the middle of the night.  Since this post in 2013, we have charted Ben's sleep, daily routines and behaviors. We've noted that he wakes 10-15 times a night each month. It doesn't seem related to how much activity he's had during the day or what food he's eaten. Many families with a child with a disability face sleep issues. Sleeping pills, essential oils, solid bed routines and begging our child to sleep don't seem to work all the time. If you see us walking around, looking like zombies, this could ...

  In 2012, the editor of Charlotte Parent asked me to write a short story about Ben for the magazine's April issue. " A Goal of Independence " was my first published piece and the beginning of my career as a professional writer.  When I wrote the story, Ben was 8-years-old. At the time, I recognized how important it was for us to assist Ben in becoming independent. As a mom, it's hard to let go and easy to just do the task for them. I shared an example in the Charlotte Parent story: Ben's brothers scolded me for feeding Ben, rather than letting him feed himself  Ben is almost 19-years-old. He’s lived 90 miles away from us for six months in an alternate family living situation. Although we visited him two to three times a month, I didn't notice how much he matured until we brought him home in mid-March.  He's calmer, more alert and attentive. We've been able to decrease behavior and sleep medications significantly. We'd tried this in 2020 with disa...

If you’re a parent of a child in school and that child has a special need, you have experienced the IEP – Individual Education Plan - meeting. Endless information about IEP documents and meetings can be found at conferences and in magazines, books and websites. Unfortunately, there are many horror stories about IEPs. Anxiety, fear and dread would probably be on most people’s list of how they feel about the meeting. I don’t dread IEP meetings anymore. I believe they can lead to creating successful goals for your child and the meetings can be done with little stress and anxiety.  Here are six suggestions based on what I’ve learned from researching and participating in IEP meetings for the past 16 years: Treat them to food. Donuts, muffins, cookies and juice and/or coffee make friends. Food puts everyone in a good mood, and it makes the atmosphere less tense. And in some cases, it may serve a very practical purpose - teachers and other school staff do not get much time to eat dur...

If you're looking for a creative way to make your morning routine smoother, this is something I did when our boys were young. To clear up any confusion about our boys: At 10 years old, Logan chose to go by his middle name, Michael.  This was first published in 2010. Our mornings are hectic just like everyone else's. I found myself yelling more than I like to so I came up with this crazy idea - and it's working. We all went to the trophy store and chose three trophies. The trophies were "engraved" with one of these: Today's Winner: Good Breakfast Eater Today's Winner: Excellent at Following Directions Today's Winner: Showing Good Behavior Rules: Each morning, Ben, Logan and Sean have the opportunity to receive one or more of the trophies. At the end of the morning, they may be presented with a trophy.  Not everyone has to get a trophy.  The winner keeps the trophy in their room for the day (think Stanley Cup).  At night, the trophy goes back...

  Ben with Carla Payne, January 2022 When I was a student at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte 30 years ago, I worked in the Alumni Office. Carla Wyatt Payne was the assistant director of Alumni Affairs and my boss. We became friends and have been part of each other's lives ever since. She and another friend were the first ones at the hospital when Ben was born. I asked Carla to write about what she does as a care manager. The care managing profession is an invaluable resource to families who need assistance managing the care of loved ones. – Vanessa By Carla Wyatt Payne I became a Certified Professional Care Manager following the death of my father. As a family, we struggled to navigate the medical health care system. We couldn't afford services or find support for my dad's advancing needs. The month after his death, I returned to graduate school to study gerontology and discovered the profession of care management.  Since 2010 I've worked with over 500 fam...

  If you've landed on this page, you're deep into research about group home placement. By this point, you've found a few agencies with group homes and you want to take the next step and send in an application and referral packet. I can tell you what I did with our son, Ben. It may be different for your family, based on your comfort level with sharing information with others. Most agencies will have an application to complete. Some will ask a lot of questions and some won't. No two are alike – I've completed more than 10. I wish they had a Common App for group homes.  Always include the contact information for your child's care or case manager. I sent a copy of the most recent document with every application: Budget for services, if your child has one  IEP - Individual Education Plan  ISP - Individual Service Plan  Legal Guardianship document  Medicaid Card  Medication list Photo of Ben - I use every opportunity to make the process about a person and no...

In 2011, I asked parents I knew to write about their children and the issues they face. At the time, each mother shared how they experienced day-to-day life raising a child with special needs and disabilities.  These stories have not been updated or changed.  Start here:  eSpecially Parents Our Kids June July August September Denise's Story May Edition June Edition July Edition September Edition Meg's Story May Edition June Edition July Edition August Edition September Edition Elisa's Story May Edition June Edition July Edition Karen's Story Natalie's Story May Edition June Edition July Edition August Edition Paula's Story May Edition July Edition August Edition September Edition Elizabeth's Story May Edition Michele's Story May Edition Video Link Donna's Story May Edition June Editio n August Editio n Tribute to Donna Grief

More than four years ago, when Ben turned 14, I started touring group homes and residential facilities in North Carolina to see what was available.  At the first place I visited, the social worker’s warning stayed with me: “Don’t wait until you’re in a crisis to have a plan for your adult child with special needs.” She’d recently turned away elderly parents who were hoping to leave their son at the facility. The wait for a bed there was a decade. Over the past four years, I've toured a few group homes and one facility. I've spoken with more than a dozen in-take staff with agencies specializing in group homes, alternate family living (AFL) placements and intensive care facilities. An AFL is when your child lives with another family or individual who takes care of them in their own home.  Starting early gave me the advantage of working out the emotional turmoil that goes along with placing our son in another living situation. An avalanche of emotions hit me after the first tour ...

Matt and I attended high school in New York together. When he saw the announcement about "Parenting an Adult Child with Disabilities"  on Facebook, he commented on it. I like to get varied perspectives on "eSpecially Ben" and asked Matt to write about his son, Harrison. And it's always good to connect with a high school classmate.