In September, a family counselor, after hearing our stories of stress and feelings of being overwhelmed with life, declared that we should cancel hosting Thanksgiving at our home. I looked at her dumbfounded. Un-inviting family members and changing the plan seemed like crazy talk, but it also seemed ingenious. Rather quickly, Ryan and I agreed with her proposal. I called family members and told them the situation. The relief I felt was incredible.
The counselor's permission to change the plan and essentially say "No" to hosting Thanksgiving got me thinking about commitments and stress, and it lead me to declaring 2015, The Year of the No. In fact, I have used the last of 2014 to practice. The following issues have helped guide me in making my decision to say yes or no:
Making the Choice
Please do not read this and think I am suggesting you say no to anything that comes your way. I am saying to think about options before blurting out yes. Ask yourself:
Scope Creep
I am not a Yes Woman, but I can get in over my head at times. It usually happens slowly and unitentionally. In project management, they call it "scope creep", when the boundaries of a job begin to blur and more items get added to the list. Before you know it, you have too much to handle.
Guilt
You made a promise, a long time ago, in a weakened state of mind, to a close friend, and saying no now would make you feel so guilty. If the guilt outweighs the actual promise, probably best to go ahead and do whatever you promised. But if you can get beyond the guilt and find another way to handle the situation without letting too many people down, then try it out.
When we called the first family member about cancelling Thanksgiving, they seemed relieved. They have an elderly pup that needs their love and care. When researching hotels in our area, they could not find one that would accept a dog.
You cannot predict how people may accept your choice, but sometimes it may work out for their benefit too. Letting guilt make the decision for you may not prove to be the best choice for anyone.
Compromise
A local magazine offered the opportunity for me to write a weekly blog for them about special needs children. Although I was excited by the idea of getting more exposure, it was an unpaid position and I knew that writing new material for the magazine's website and eSpecially Ben would create a tremendous amount of pressure for me. In the end, I said no.
The editor came back with another offer, which I took. She asked me to write posts quarterly with some of my past posts being reworked.
Sometimes, the answer is in between a no and a yes. Finding the right blend of needs can get to the best opportunity for both parties at that specific time. As lives change, the opportunity can be molded yet again to fit the needs of everyone.
Tell the Truth
In all the examples above, I told the truth about my situation and the people involved understood. Everyone has been on the receiving end of an offer, opportunity or promise that is too much for them to handle at the time. Empathising is easier than we imagine. And it works the other way - when we hear no, we understand as well.
My best friend hosts a Holiday Cookie Exchange Party every year. I love participating because the cookies are delicious and it is social time with just women. This year, when she asked me about a specific date for the party, I told her that I would not be attending. I love the event, but the amount of baking ahead of time is stressful as well as the added pressure to avoid eating all those yummy cookies. (I was the Cookie Monster in a former life.)
My friend considered what I had to say, and she sent out an invitation to have lunch at her favorite local restaurant. The fun and social time will still be met, but no one has the extra cookie calories or stress of baking.
Whether 2015 is The Year of the No, or The Year of the Yes, make it your own choice. Using a thoughtful process to make your decision will help you feel in control of your limited time and energy. Setting priorities about your family time, health and career will guide your decisions. Being creative with the opportunities may lead to everyone being happy with the outcome.
Happy Almost New Year!
The counselor's permission to change the plan and essentially say "No" to hosting Thanksgiving got me thinking about commitments and stress, and it lead me to declaring 2015, The Year of the No. In fact, I have used the last of 2014 to practice. The following issues have helped guide me in making my decision to say yes or no:
Making the Choice
Please do not read this and think I am suggesting you say no to anything that comes your way. I am saying to think about options before blurting out yes. Ask yourself:
- Why am I accepting this request?
- Why am I offering to host/attend/join?
- Is this a good use of my time?
- What part of my life will change?
- How will my family be affected?
- Do I have the time and energy to take this on?
- How will the person or organization making the request be affected?
Consider the answers to your questions before making the decision. Be sure you are making an informed and conscious choice.
I am not a Yes Woman, but I can get in over my head at times. It usually happens slowly and unitentionally. In project management, they call it "scope creep", when the boundaries of a job begin to blur and more items get added to the list. Before you know it, you have too much to handle.
Guilt
You made a promise, a long time ago, in a weakened state of mind, to a close friend, and saying no now would make you feel so guilty. If the guilt outweighs the actual promise, probably best to go ahead and do whatever you promised. But if you can get beyond the guilt and find another way to handle the situation without letting too many people down, then try it out.
When we called the first family member about cancelling Thanksgiving, they seemed relieved. They have an elderly pup that needs their love and care. When researching hotels in our area, they could not find one that would accept a dog.
You cannot predict how people may accept your choice, but sometimes it may work out for their benefit too. Letting guilt make the decision for you may not prove to be the best choice for anyone.
Compromise
A local magazine offered the opportunity for me to write a weekly blog for them about special needs children. Although I was excited by the idea of getting more exposure, it was an unpaid position and I knew that writing new material for the magazine's website and eSpecially Ben would create a tremendous amount of pressure for me. In the end, I said no.
The editor came back with another offer, which I took. She asked me to write posts quarterly with some of my past posts being reworked.
Sometimes, the answer is in between a no and a yes. Finding the right blend of needs can get to the best opportunity for both parties at that specific time. As lives change, the opportunity can be molded yet again to fit the needs of everyone.
Tell the Truth
In all the examples above, I told the truth about my situation and the people involved understood. Everyone has been on the receiving end of an offer, opportunity or promise that is too much for them to handle at the time. Empathising is easier than we imagine. And it works the other way - when we hear no, we understand as well.
My best friend hosts a Holiday Cookie Exchange Party every year. I love participating because the cookies are delicious and it is social time with just women. This year, when she asked me about a specific date for the party, I told her that I would not be attending. I love the event, but the amount of baking ahead of time is stressful as well as the added pressure to avoid eating all those yummy cookies. (I was the Cookie Monster in a former life.)
My friend considered what I had to say, and she sent out an invitation to have lunch at her favorite local restaurant. The fun and social time will still be met, but no one has the extra cookie calories or stress of baking.
Whether 2015 is The Year of the No, or The Year of the Yes, make it your own choice. Using a thoughtful process to make your decision will help you feel in control of your limited time and energy. Setting priorities about your family time, health and career will guide your decisions. Being creative with the opportunities may lead to everyone being happy with the outcome.
Happy Almost New Year!
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